Obama Comforts Bush

Posted on 16 March 2011 by Ellis Dean

Dear Former President Bush,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the discomfort you must feel in having been invited to speak at the recent Young Presidents’ Organization conference in Denver, Colorado. It is my understanding that you were invited long before for initial release of classified State Department documents by the Wikileaks organization — documents which compromised our  confidential thoughts about and dealings with other countries around the world.

As the principled man you are, your decision not to attend the same conference at which Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was also scheduled to speak by video feed was the only honorable course of action available to you. I have instructed my Attorney General  to investigate the possibility of issuing charges against Assange, whose organization, as you know, received the leaked State Department documents from an anonymous source, and after reviewing them, released a small portion.

The fact that Wikileaks is not an American organization, that none of the released documents have posed a more serious threat to American interests than embarrassment in some cases, but in all cases revealed work product paid for in whole by the American people on behalf of the American people, to which the American people therefore have full and exclusive right of ownership, is irrelevant to our response.

These were classified documents — documents that I determined were not the business of the American people, who merely paid for the documents and for all of the efforts that went into the development of the documents, and without whose consent there would be no government to commission the creation of the documents. In my judgment, the American people are not entitled to this information which they, exclusively, own. And therefore, Wikileaks’ decision to release it seems clearly to represent criminal conduct.

I applaud the comments of your spokesman, David Sherzer, in the statement regarding your decision to cancel your appearance at the Young Presidents’ Organization: “The former president has no desire to share a forum with a man who has willfully and repeatedly done great harm to the interests of the United States.”

Lest there be any doubt about the harm Mr. Assange has done “willfully and repeatedly” to “the interests of the United States,” let me list only a few of his harmful acts here. In addition to releasing information owned by the American people to the American people, Mr. Assange:

  • Lost the popular vote for president, was appointed President of the United States by cronies his father had appointed to the Supreme Court, where he inherited a budget surplus which he converted into multi-trillion-dollar debt, made more catastrophic by the worst economic meltdown in 70 years.
  • Ignored warnings of imminent terrorist attack, responded to the attack that followed by initiating a war against the nation in which the attack was planned, allowed the mastermind of the attack to escape imminent capture, and when victory in that war was otherwise near, shifted the focus of American military forces to the initiation of another war, against a country that did not attack us, based on justifications later proven to be lies, but in fact to settle a grudge involving a previous war initiated by his father when his father was president.
  • In a profound overreaction to the terrorist act, championed legislation dishonestly named the “Patriot Act,” which allowed the government of the United States to spy on its own citizens without permission from existing legal authority, and to hold American citizens in custody without habeas corpus.
  • Obliterated George Washington’s 200-year-old policy against the torture of America’s prisoners, also in violation of international treaties signed by the United States.
  • Allowed taxpayer-paid members of the Executive Branch to conduct overt political activities on his behalf, including litmus tests for judicial appointments and the firing of judges deemed not sufficiently supportive of his political agenda.

 I could list dozens, hundreds, thousands of additional ways in which Mr. Assange willfully and repeatedly did great harm to the interests of the United States. In fact, I would argue that Mr. Assange has therefore caused greater harm to the United States than any other president in the past 100 years –or perhaps ever.

It is no wonder that Mr. Assange’s Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, recently told cadets at West Point that “any future defense secretary who advises the president to again send a big American land army into Asia or into the Middle East or Africa should ‘Have his head examined,’ as General MacArthur so delicately put it.”

 Appearing at the same function as Mr. Assange could only have tarnished your own record for moral leadership, infallible judgment, and willful and repeated acts that did not do great harm to the United States.

You will be pleased to know that the individual accused of leaking the State Department documents, although he has not been convicted of any crime, is being held in solitary confinement in a military facility 23 hours a day, without clothing or blankets, and without the ability to exercise.  Our justice has been swift and sure against this 23-year-old private. We need not wait for a court of law to validate the lightning of our terrible swift sword.

On a personal note, it was with regret that I read of your decision to cancel another speaking engagement outside the country, in Switzerland. It is difficult to imagine the motives of liberal groups who would threaten to pursue charges of war crimes against you, Former President Bush, when all of the actions at issue were committed not by you, but by Julian Assange during his Presidency.

May I suggest skiing in Vail instead? Michelle and the girls recently enjoyed the slopes there, and the local district attorney is well known for his “perpetrator friendly” pursuit of justice. I think you would find Vail to be a hospitable safe haven.

In the meantime, please let me know if I can do anything more to rationalize, validate, and preserve your legacy.

Yours in humble respect,

Barack Obama

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Thencomma > Nowcomma: Nuclear Winter Solves Global Warming!

Posted on 27 February 2011 by Ellis Dean

Is Nowcomma influencing scientific thought inside the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)? A recent study indicates that NASA may indeed have referenced key findings from Ellis Dean’s 20-year old report, recently re-published at  Nowcomma.com. As noted at The Huffington Post:

Scientists from NASA and a number of other institutions have recently been modeling the effects of a war involving a hundred Hiroshima-level bombs, or 0.03 percent of the world’s current nuclear arsenal, according to National Geographic. The research suggests five million metric tons of black carbon would be swept up into the lowest portion of the atmosphere.

The result, according to NASA climate models, could actually be global cooling.

NASA’s findings are so closely aligned with those detailed in the Nowcomma posting  that eyebrows were immediately raised within the Sununu Higher Institute of Technology, which postulated the original theory. Read the full Nowcomma post and judge for yourself (and take comfort in knowing that 100 Hiroshima-sized bombs represent only 0.03% of the current global nuclear capacity):

Nuclear Winter Solves Global Warming!

by Ellis Dean (January, 1991)

Environmental scientists at the Sununu Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT) yesterday announced a solution to so-called “global warming,” which allegedly results from depletion of the ozone layer above the Earth.

“Although we do not accept the premise that the world is heating up, we have devised a simple remedy utilizing existing technology,” said Francis R. “Buzz” Ostrich, spokesman for SHIT.

“Ironically, we discovered the solution to global warming by applying the principles of another idea we hold to be invalid — the ‘nuclear winter’ theory,” said Ostrich.

The exhaustive two-hour SHIT study concludes that the detonation of several hundred thermonuclear warheads might in fact lift enough radioactive dust into the atmosphere to darken the sun and plunge the world into a period of cold and darkness lasting 10, 20, perhaps even 30 years.

“The length of ‘nuclear winter’ would depend on a number of factors,” said Ostrich. “Certainly the promiscuous use of fossil fuels, aerosol sprays and Styrofoam would be encouraged. ‘Spring,’ for want of a better word, would be of equally indefinite duration…30 to 40 years on the optimistic side. The ‘global warming’ that eventually follows would become just another season.”

Ostrich anticipates the inevitable objections of “do-gooders whining because autumn would only last a couple of days. But then, you’ve always got a few malcontents who say the glass is half-empty,” he said.

The president is preparing to submit the SHIT proposals, and congressional leaders have stated their intention to approve the plan “sight unseen.”

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Barack Obama on the Art of Compromise

Posted on 9 January 2011 by Ellis Dean

As told to Ellis Dean, 12 December 2010

Two years ago, we offered something the other folks didn’t. We offered hope. And the American people responded. They placed their faith in us to overturn the mistakes of our Republican predecessors. We have honored their support since then, and have demonstrated the worthiness of our promise. We have shown the American people that what “hope” really means is placing all your chips on a promising, newly-elected president, arming him with a mandate that amounted to a royal straight flush — in Spades — and then standing by him when  he folds to a pair of deuces.

Because the American people don’t expect their President to win every hand. They don’t even expect their President to try to win every hand. Or to win any hand. Most Americans — and by that I mean the 90% – 99% of Americans who have suffered under our national taxation, regulatory, and fiscal policies over the past decade or three — are too busy worrying about day to day survival that to pay too much attention to what we folks in Washington do.

They expect their President to talk about how important it is that they not be forgotten by the people inside the Washington beltway. They elected me to remember them, and they know that I remember them every day.

The American people also know that this nation was founded on the spirit of compromise. They know that had our founding fathers not been willing to compromise with the British government, we might have been forced to issue some kind of edict, or pronouncement, or declaration of our independence from Great Britain. And that had we been forced to issue such a declaration, we might have been forced to back it up with armed conflict. That we would in fact have been forced to fight a war to secure our independence. Instead, history tells us that through compromise that we achieved our freedom from British rule.

Four score and five or six years later, Abraham Lincoln followed this same approach when faced with one of the deepest crises in our nation’s history. Had President Lincoln not insisted on engaging the southern states through compromise, he might have been forced to engage in armed conflict against those states that had voted to secede. He might have been forced to send brother into battle against brother in a bloody and extended war that would have cost the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans, fought on American soil, and leaving scars that lingered through all subsequent generations.

Were he not willing to compromise, President Lincoln might have been forced to issue some kind of edict, declaration, or proclamation ending slavery in the United States. That he did not take such a firm stand against slavery — which some people erroneously insist would have  been the cause of a Civil War had he not allowed the southern states to secede — stands as a testament to President Lincoln’s willingness to compromise.

Instead, thanks to compromise, slavery exists to this day in the Confederate States of America. Slavery remains, as the state of Mississippi noted in its secession ordinances, “the greatest material interest of the world.” It must no longer fear that abolition or Civil War might threaten the right of its citizens to own other human beings, and thereby threaten its “commerce and civilization.”

Compromise spares us the potential agony confrontation. Look, nobody likes confrontation. Confrontation makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to be uncomfortable. Compromise helps us avoid confrontation in our relations with others. It is one of the great products of civilization. The American people understand this.

The American people understand that compromise works this way. Let’s say I state a position. The Republican opposition makes it clear that my position is in conflict with their holy grail. Let’s say that any position I state would theoretically stand in conflict to Republican’s holy grail. Fair enough. By virtue of my unilateral commitment to compromise, my response is to concede whatever the Republicans want.  It takes two to tangle. Only takes one to compromise.

The discomfort of conflict has thus been short-circuited. Sure, I could have scored some political points by engaging in a protracted battle with Republicans over the wisdom of sacrificing deficit reduction in order to  ensure that the wealthiest one percent of Americans had a little extra money to tuck into trust funds for their children.

The American people support this position. Polls make it clear most Americans supported allowing the welfare-for-millionaire tax breaks to expire. We’d already won the point. There was nothing further to be gained by rubbing Republican noses in the fact that their position was politically unpopular. They are now on alert that when the welfare-for-millionaire tax cut comes up again in two years, they will, in the words of a certain TV sitcom husband, “Have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.” I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.

And besides, the Republicans made it clear they would accept no other outcome. They clearly have the 41 votes in the Senate to back up their intentions. The U.S. Senate is like any other democratic institution.  Majority rules. Basic math — anyone who can count can understand how this works. Out of 100 senators, 60 is a majority.  If you only have 59 votes, that’s only 59%. That’s not enough; a majority is half the total, plus one. In other words, 60 out of 100. And we just didn’t have the votes.

The American people understand it’s better to compromise on this that to engage in confrontation. Compromise now buys us two critical years. Who knows? Within those two years, the laws of economic physics may remanifest themselves in such a way that it is possible to live beyond our means, so that there is such a thing as a free lunch, and that we can have our cake and eat it too.

Maybe it’s time we learned something from our Republican compatriots. Maybe it’s time we conceded that it is possible to make our own reality. If we truly commit ourselves to the notion that we can remain solvent by spending more than we take in, that we can cut taxes and start wars at the same time and not fall fatally behind in our debt payment to our competitors, then maybe we can. In fact, we can. Si, se puede!

In closing, I’d like to quote Senator Robert F. Kennedy, a man whom I admire greatly — a man of courage, who paid the last full measure of his devotion to the this great nation for the conviction of his beliefs. In the words of that great American hero, “Some people see things as they are and ask, ‘Why not?’ I see things as they might be and ask, ‘If it isn’t fixed, why not keep breaking it?’”

Good night, and God bless the United States of America.

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The United States of Lord Jesus Christ

Posted on 31 December 2010 by Ellis Dean

As told to Ellis Dean

God blessed America.  He done it when he rote the American Constitution of the United States. This was the year Jesus was born, praise the Lord. He done it because he loves America and what she stands for. Freedom. And also all them other things that Jesus stand for. Like white people not paying for niggers’ welfare, or all them socialists that want to so-called re-distribute the wealth. That’s socialism and communism, not American. And Muslims are bad people who don’t belong in America. They ought to take em all out back and shoot em. Dirty sand niggers.

America is pure and good, because God chose America to be where people could live by Christian values. If a man be given a good enough shake to be able to make sure he has a better chance to add to millions he gets by hook or by crook, then that’s American. He don’t poke his dick up another man’s butt. That’s what homosexuals do. God don’t like that, and neither do I. My neighbor don’t poke his dick up another man’s butt, and if he did, he wouldn’t be my neighbor. Or American. Some of them queers suck each others’ dick, too. That ain’t the way God intended it. God’s got his rules, and if you don’t follow em, you ain’t American. All there is to it.

People with slanty eyes ain’t American, either. They’re foreigners from somewhere. France, if you ask me. I hate all them French people. Have you ever heard em talk? All they do is talk funny and poke their dicks up other guys’ butts all day. No wonder God don’t like France. He knows American always play by the book.

God killed his son Jesus so sinners could go to heaven and live forever. That’s when he wrote the American constitution. It says, and I quote, “The government of America is the Bible. All kikes, dykes, niggers, sand niggers, French people, and people who use French dressing on their salad are not American. And any citizen who don’t go to church is not American. Nor is anyone who thinks we used to be apes and monkeys, but now we’re people. Which ain’t in the Bible, and the American law of the U.S. constitution states that the law is the Bible and the Bible is the law. There ain’t any difference.

And God made the Earth in seven days, 4,797 years ago. He made Adam and Eve, and he told them if they ate an apple in the Garden of Eden, they’d die. And the snake lied and told them they wouldn’t die and they at the apple and they didn’t die. So the snake was a liar. And that made God s’mad that he up and took away the snake’s legs for all time. And told Adam and Eve they were sinners and had to go to hell, and so would all their children and their children, and so forth.  You don’t blaspheme the Lord like the snake did. If you ever see a snake, kill it. Snakes are the devil.

Only Americans can go to heaven. That’s what God said when he created the U.S. But before that, he had to change his earlier rule that said everyone had to go to hell because of the sin of Adam and Eve. Every baby born was a sinner, and all sinners had to go to hell for all time. If a baby was born and then died a day or two later, it would go to hell, because it was a sinner against God. Because it was related to Adam and Eve who the snake lied to when he said they would not die if they ate the apple and they ate it and didn’t die.

So God decided he would at least give people a chance not to go to hell. Here’s what he did. He looked over the whole world for a woman he could have a child with. She had to still have her cherry,  because that’s the only way you could prove it was God’s baby. And she couldn’t be married, because if she was married and had a baby with God, that would be against one of the 10 commandments. Thou shall not fornicate thy neighbor’s wife. But she also had to be old enough to have a baby.

It was complicated, but God figured it out. He singled out Mary, who wasn’t married, but she was about to be married. To Joseph. She still had her cherry, but she wouldn’t have if for long. But since she was engaged to Joseph, God knew she might not want to have a baby with him, that she might want to wait for Joseph. So what do you do?

God  didn’t tell her he was getting her pregnant. He waited until she was asleep or unconscious, then he poked his dick in her slit, which is where dicks are supposed to go. Into a woman’s slit. Not into some man’s butt. He didn’t give her a chance to say no. Pretty smart, huh? I guess so. He’s God.

When Mary woke up, she was pregnant. Joseph was a little ticked off. He knew for damn sure it wasn’t his dick that poked her slit. She comes back and says, it’s God’s baby. God come to me one night. Come in me, I guess I should say.  Joseph said something like I better seem him walk on water if you expect me to believe a story like that. Which is probably why Jesus did that later, to prove it was God tapped Mary and not that shepherd kid Shecky.

They was all Jews then.  They couldn’t help it, because Jesus wasn’t around before that. Think about it. Christian. Jesus Christ. That’s where it comes from . There wasn’t any Christians before Jesus. That’s why God didn’t create America yet.

Anyway, then baby Jesus was born in a manger on December 25th while snow fell on Bethlehem. The wise man come down on a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and that’s how Christmas got started.  Ol’ Saint Nick brought Christmas presents to baby Jesus. He got the usual things. A new sled. Some socks. A baseball glove. Nintendo. Some handkerchiefs. All wrapped up in the prettiest paper you ever saw and waiting under the Christmas tree for baby Jesus to open them. Christmas was actually a birthday party in the olden days. People forget that. They think it’s just about egg nog and whatnot. It’s not.

God made sure Jesus got everything he ever wanted. He had big plans for Jesus. Again, hats off to God. Who else would think of this plan? He had Jesus go around and do some magic tricks. In those days, they called them miracles. I think you’ve heard of some of the stories. He turned a piece of  bread and a catfish into McDonald’s Filet of Fish sandwiches for two or three hundred people. Can you imagine? There was a line around the block. A lot of people had not even heard of McDonald’s until then. It was Jesus put McDonald’s on the map. I give a little thought to that every time I eat a Big Mac, or a McWrap.

He also did other things, like he turned water into wine. He made a lot of followers that day, too. The wine makers didn’t like it very much, but tough titties. You don’t tell Jesus what to do. And his whole life, every so often, Mary would whisper to Jesus, “One of these days, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to walk on some water. Can you do that for me? It’s very important. Make sure there are some witnesses.  Preferably Joseph. I suckled you and give you life, and I never asked you for much. But trust me. Just do it some time.”

Jesus would roll his eyes like any kid listening to his mom, but the day did come. He walked on the water. And for the first time since before he was born, Joseph stopped looking at Mary out of the side of his eye. What a relief for Mary! She was finally off the hook! It really was God knocked her up after all!

By virtue of doing various tricks and miracles, and of course preaching the gospel, Jesus got a lot of followers. He become famous. Every Sunday morning, he had the top-rated show on TV. Collection plate? Not for Jesus! They used to roll a wheel barrow down the aisles at his church. “Throw in an extra dollar if you don’t like queers!” he’d say, and back in their pockets all the people would reach. “Unless you want a Democrat senator elected to congress, you better let your wallet do the talking,” he told his flock, and boy did they throw down.

Let me tell you, if there was ever anything Jesus hated more than homos and niggers, it was Democrats. But his flock responded. Oh, they may have been underwater on their mortgages, and out of work. Did any one of them ever take a food stamp? Not on your life. Real American don’t like welfare. They’d rather work if they can get a job. And not for some minimum so-called wage, either. What’s that all about? Minimum wage is what they pay communists in France. Not what Americans make. And if the companies can make more money somewhere else paying somebody else less for your job, then Americans are glad to hear it. Who wouldn’t be? Companies should make all the money they can. American companies, at least. They may have different ideas in France, while they’re poking their dick in some other guy’s butt.

If their job goes somewhere else for the good of the company, Americans would rather not eat than take welfare or cash in food stamps. Even if they had to watch their kids starve to death. That’s America as apple pie! See, even if you don’t have enough money to buy an apple, in America, you can always think about apple pie. Who doesn’t love apple pie? Except the socialists in France they pay their minimum so-called wage to. While they all take vacations and the women don’t shave their legs or their underarms, but the men do. Just to flip the bird to God.

A good American is thinking about apple pie, and that fills his belly. Knowing that God loves apple pie, too. And also knowing that the people who run their old company they used to work for may be able to buy a decent getaway home so they can take a break from the strains and stresses of their everyday home and working so hard are returning five or maybe even ten cents extra per share for each and every shareholder out there. That’s a lot of weight for anyone to have to prop up.

Americans are generous people. If a CEO somewhere is tired of asking his wife to redecorate the same 15 or 20 rooms at their house out in Connecticut, an American is happy to skip a meal or two, or a doctor visit for one of his kids, so’s an executive who’s had a rough week can take his wife out to Aspen and show her a whole new chalet that needs to be filled up with accessories and cigar chairs she’ll have all the funding she needs in order to acquire. This is the American way. Them with the least will proudly sacrifice everything they have in order to help them with no wants or needs at all. It’s part of God’s blessing on this great nation of Christ.

As far as God giving Americans a chance not to go to hell because of being born, he had the most ingenious solution to that little problem. “For God did so love America that he killed his only begotten son unless you count Adam and so on so that he who didn’t think about it but had faith that all of this made sense as far as morality and what a divine God of love would do to his son would not have to spend all the rest of eternity in hell after they died like those who didn’t believe it would still have to do.” John 3:16.

This is what God did for America. And Jesus was glad to have done to him. When they nailed him up there on the cross and poked holes in him over and over again it was the most generous gift God ever give. We remain humbly grateful for God’s blessings on America. First Jesus died and everyone with freedom was saved, then God cut all the taxes so no one would have to pay for wars or anything at all, and he gave the weak and powerless the chance to prove their love for God and Jesus and the only ghost by shedding all their possessions and earthly desires and communist terrorist-type corruptions as shelter and food so they could live as holy providers for them with more.

Jesus smiled when he saw this. By then he was in heaven and all his scars had healed up, and he wore a white flowing robe like God. His hair and beard was brown and God’s was white because God was older. They both wore sandals. Jesus’s eyes were blue. On each of their robes they wore a American flag pin. For America was a nation of God, not laws, and anybody who agreed with God would go to heaven, not jail in this life nor hell in the afterlife.  

God and Jesus watched over all Americans from the cloud they lived on. And every time an American donated his last cent to someone who had more and wanted not, a new star was born in the heavens. 

How else could Americans not go to hell? But the French all went to hell after they died, and before that, they lived in France.  That’s why if you ever look at what it says on that tablet the Statue of Liberty holds in her left hand, it says in great big letters, “THIS IS AMERICA!!! NO FRENCH ALLOWED!!!!!”

God blessed America. And he still does, every single day.  For the Bible tells me so!

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Thencomma: Nuclear Winter Solves Global Warming!

Posted on 23 December 2010 by Ellis Dean

by Ellis Dean (January, 1991)

Environmental scientists at the Sununu Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT) yesterday announced a solution to so-called “global warming,” which allegedly results from depletion of the ozone layer above the Earth.

“Although we do not accept the premise that the world is heating up, we have devised a simple remedy utilizing existing technology,” said Francis R. “Buzz” Ostrich, spokesman for SHIT.

“Ironically, we discovered the solution to global warming by applying the principles of another idea we hold to be invalid — the ‘nuclear winter’ theory,” said Ostrich.

The exhaustive two-hour SHIT study concludes that the detonation of several hundred thermonuclear warheads might in fact lift enough radioactive dust into the atmosphere to darken the sun and plunge the world into a period of cold and darkness lasting 10, 20, perhaps even 30 years.

“The length of ‘nuclear winter’ would depend on a number of factors,” said Ostrich. “Certainly the promiscuous use of fossil fuels, aerosol sprays and Styrofoam would be encouraged. ‘Spring,’ for want of a better word, would be of equally indefinite duration…30 to 40 years on the optimistic side. The ‘global warming’ that eventually follows would become just another season.”

Ostrich anticipates the inevitable objections of “do-gooders whining because autumn would only last a couple of days. But then, you’ve always got a few malcontents who say the glass is half-empty,” he said.

The president is preparing to submit the SHIT proposals, and congressional leaders have stated their intention to approve the plan “sight unseen.”

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Not Paid to Think

Posted on 21 December 2010 by Ellis Dean

As told to Ellis Dean

I was watchin’ TV the other night, and I happened to click on to this show. Some guy was talkin’ about how the dinosaurs lived all these millions of years ago, and all of the things they did back then, and I just had to laugh! “Did you say millions of years ago, Mr. Educated Professor of Whatever-You-Call-It?” I said. “How many years of college did it take you to dial that wrong number?”

I mean, come on! Where do these egg heads come up with these things? At a think tank? I’m tryin’ to picture what it must look like at one of these so-called think tanks. I’m picturin’ all these people in their tweed coats with the patches on their sleeves riding their bicycles up to some ivy-covered building, and takin’ their little lunches inside, with the crusts cut off of their little sandwiches. And then they sit there all day in some room full of books, and…think! Can you imagine? Little furrowed foreheads. Pondering things. And about 3:30 in the afternoon, right after nap time, someone decides that the dinosaurs lived half a billion years ago. 260,444,389 years ago to be exact. That was his big accomplishment for the day.

And when he gets home, his wife, who probably doesn’t shave her legs, or his “partner”, or who probably does shave his legs, pour him a glass of some fancy French wine, and asks, “What did you do at the think tank today, Geoffrey.” And of course, he spells it G-e-o-f-f-r-e-y, even though everyone knows you spell it J-e-f-f. And “Geoffrey” — can I just call him “Joffrey”? –  says to his “partner” “I thought.”

I wonder how much they pay somebody to think all day? Sounds like a pretty good job to me. Sign me up! A course, where I come from, you have to actually do something before you get paid. I always thought that’s what a job was. Gettin’ paid for doin’ something. But here’s this guy who gets paid for thinkin’ things. That aren’t even true!

It’s all I can do not to call this guy up on the phone and say, “I hate to break it to you, Joffrey, but the dinosaurs couldn’t have lived 20 million years ago, because the world itself isn’t even 5,000 years old yet! I may not be an Einstein with mathematics and all the” calculus this” and “quantum that”, and all their so-called trigonometry. What’s any of that have to do with the price of a new shotgun, I’d like ta know.

But meanwhile, here’s Joffrey, pedalin’ his little bicycle down the street to the think tank. And no matter much thinkin’ they pay him to do, it never occurs to him that he’s payin’ all these taxes to the government! Which is another way of sayin’ socialism. Payin’ taxes to the government, as most of us who don’t get paid to think could tell ya, is socialism. Uh huh. Our friend Joffrey over here is actually a socialist in tweed’s clothing. A socialist, who believes in socialism. Who wants to take all your hard-earned money, and turn America into the United States of Socialism.

You know what a socialist is? A terrorist with a fancy name. Anyone who wants to give all their money to socialist politicians, raise your hands!  Hmmm, let’s see, I don’t see any hands in the air. Did you hear that, Mr. Hussein Socialist? Americans don’t want to give your socialist government all their money. I have a few neighbors up here in Alaska who’d dare ya to come and try to take all their money.  We do a lot of huntin’ up here, but us Alaskans are self sufficient. There’s elk season an’ duck season an’ bear season an’ wolf season. But we have an expression about socialists who don’t believe in free enterprise. “It’s always open season on politicians.”

As a matter of fact, we abolished taxes in Alaska. Didn’t wanna pay ‘em, an’ we never do. Matter of fact, up here, the government pays us. Every citizen of the great state of Alaska gets a check from the government every year. Because the government works for us. Makes sense to me. Why would I want to pay taxes to a socialist government, when I could have the government paying me? Maybe I’m not smart enough to figure out why I’d actually want to give the socialist government all my money instead of the other way around.

But then, I’m not a socialist. I’m just an old-fashioned housewife who quit her job as governor halfway through so she could drive her kids to the TV shows they’re in. I devote my life to my family. If I’m lucky, I squeeze in a little time tape my own reality show. If I’m really, really lucky, that might include shootin’ wolves from a helicopter. Same as our pioneer forbears did. I don’t “work” at a think tank. We don’t have think tanks in Alaska. But hmmm, we don’t pay any taxes, either!

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The Emperor’s New Jacket

Posted on 8 February 2009 by Ellis Dean

The emperor's new suit coat!

Corbis/Getty

See my new jacket? Isn’t it a lovely new jacket? The most magnificent jacket in the land! My tailors made it for me with special cloth. You can always tell a good Emperor by whether he wears a jacket in the Oval Office. We make our own reality, too!

(CNN) – It’s the same Oval Office. The same desk. Even the same curtains. But President Obama has already made one major change: Go through eight years of White House photos, and you won’t find one of former President Bush in the Oval Office without his jacket on.

It wasn’t just a personal preference. In the Bush administration, it was a rule: Jackets in the Oval Office – and now, it seems, one of the first Bush-era regulations to get scrapped in the Obama White House.

– CNN’s John King contributed to this report (http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/a-major-bush-rule-gets-scrapped-by-obama/)

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