As told to Ellis Dean
God blessed America. He done it when he rote the American Constitution of the United States. This was the year Jesus was born, praise the Lord. He done it because he loves America and what she stands for. Freedom. And also all them other things that Jesus stand for. Like white people not paying for niggers’ welfare, or all them socialists that want to so-called re-distribute the wealth. That’s socialism and communism, not American. And Muslims are bad people who don’t belong in America. They ought to take em all out back and shoot em. Dirty sand niggers.
America is pure and good, because God chose America to be where people could live by Christian values. If a man be given a good enough shake to be able to make sure he has a better chance to add to millions he gets by hook or by crook, then that’s American. He don’t poke his dick up another man’s butt. That’s what homosexuals do. God don’t like that, and neither do I. My neighbor don’t poke his dick up another man’s butt, and if he did, he wouldn’t be my neighbor. Or American. Some of them queers suck each others’ dick, too. That ain’t the way God intended it. God’s got his rules, and if you don’t follow em, you ain’t American. All there is to it.
People with slanty eyes ain’t American, either. They’re foreigners from somewhere. France, if you ask me. I hate all them French people. Have you ever heard em talk? All they do is talk funny and poke their dicks up other guys’ butts all day. No wonder God don’t like France. He knows American always play by the book.
God killed his son Jesus so sinners could go to heaven and live forever. That’s when he wrote the American constitution. It says, and I quote, “The government of America is the Bible. All kikes, dykes, niggers, sand niggers, French people, and people who use French dressing on their salad are not American. And any citizen who don’t go to church is not American. Nor is anyone who thinks we used to be apes and monkeys, but now we’re people. Which ain’t in the Bible, and the American law of the U.S. constitution states that the law is the Bible and the Bible is the law. There ain’t any difference.
And God made the Earth in seven days, 4,797 years ago. He made Adam and Eve, and he told them if they ate an apple in the Garden of Eden, they’d die. And the snake lied and told them they wouldn’t die and they at the apple and they didn’t die. So the snake was a liar. And that made God s’mad that he up and took away the snake’s legs for all time. And told Adam and Eve they were sinners and had to go to hell, and so would all their children and their children, and so forth. You don’t blaspheme the Lord like the snake did. If you ever see a snake, kill it. Snakes are the devil.
Only Americans can go to heaven. That’s what God said when he created the U.S. But before that, he had to change his earlier rule that said everyone had to go to hell because of the sin of Adam and Eve. Every baby born was a sinner, and all sinners had to go to hell for all time. If a baby was born and then died a day or two later, it would go to hell, because it was a sinner against God. Because it was related to Adam and Eve who the snake lied to when he said they would not die if they ate the apple and they ate it and didn’t die.
So God decided he would at least give people a chance not to go to hell. Here’s what he did. He looked over the whole world for a woman he could have a child with. She had to still have her cherry, because that’s the only way you could prove it was God’s baby. And she couldn’t be married, because if she was married and had a baby with God, that would be against one of the 10 commandments. Thou shall not fornicate thy neighbor’s wife. But she also had to be old enough to have a baby.
It was complicated, but God figured it out. He singled out Mary, who wasn’t married, but she was about to be married. To Joseph. She still had her cherry, but she wouldn’t have if for long. But since she was engaged to Joseph, God knew she might not want to have a baby with him, that she might want to wait for Joseph. So what do you do?
God didn’t tell her he was getting her pregnant. He waited until she was asleep or unconscious, then he poked his dick in her slit, which is where dicks are supposed to go. Into a woman’s slit. Not into some man’s butt. He didn’t give her a chance to say no. Pretty smart, huh? I guess so. He’s God.
When Mary woke up, she was pregnant. Joseph was a little ticked off. He knew for damn sure it wasn’t his dick that poked her slit. She comes back and says, it’s God’s baby. God come to me one night. Come in me, I guess I should say. Joseph said something like I better seem him walk on water if you expect me to believe a story like that. Which is probably why Jesus did that later, to prove it was God tapped Mary and not that shepherd kid Shecky.
They was all Jews then. They couldn’t help it, because Jesus wasn’t around before that. Think about it. Christian. Jesus Christ. That’s where it comes from . There wasn’t any Christians before Jesus. That’s why God didn’t create America yet.
Anyway, then baby Jesus was born in a manger on December 25th while snow fell on Bethlehem. The wise man come down on a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and that’s how Christmas got started. Ol’ Saint Nick brought Christmas presents to baby Jesus. He got the usual things. A new sled. Some socks. A baseball glove. Nintendo. Some handkerchiefs. All wrapped up in the prettiest paper you ever saw and waiting under the Christmas tree for baby Jesus to open them. Christmas was actually a birthday party in the olden days. People forget that. They think it’s just about egg nog and whatnot. It’s not.
God made sure Jesus got everything he ever wanted. He had big plans for Jesus. Again, hats off to God. Who else would think of this plan? He had Jesus go around and do some magic tricks. In those days, they called them miracles. I think you’ve heard of some of the stories. He turned a piece of bread and a catfish into McDonald’s Filet of Fish sandwiches for two or three hundred people. Can you imagine? There was a line around the block. A lot of people had not even heard of McDonald’s until then. It was Jesus put McDonald’s on the map. I give a little thought to that every time I eat a Big Mac, or a McWrap.
He also did other things, like he turned water into wine. He made a lot of followers that day, too. The wine makers didn’t like it very much, but tough titties. You don’t tell Jesus what to do. And his whole life, every so often, Mary would whisper to Jesus, “One of these days, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to walk on some water. Can you do that for me? It’s very important. Make sure there are some witnesses. Preferably Joseph. I suckled you and give you life, and I never asked you for much. But trust me. Just do it some time.”
Jesus would roll his eyes like any kid listening to his mom, but the day did come. He walked on the water. And for the first time since before he was born, Joseph stopped looking at Mary out of the side of his eye. What a relief for Mary! She was finally off the hook! It really was God knocked her up after all!
By virtue of doing various tricks and miracles, and of course preaching the gospel, Jesus got a lot of followers. He become famous. Every Sunday morning, he had the top-rated show on TV. Collection plate? Not for Jesus! They used to roll a wheel barrow down the aisles at his church. “Throw in an extra dollar if you don’t like queers!” he’d say, and back in their pockets all the people would reach. “Unless you want a Democrat senator elected to congress, you better let your wallet do the talking,” he told his flock, and boy did they throw down.
Let me tell you, if there was ever anything Jesus hated more than homos and niggers, it was Democrats. But his flock responded. Oh, they may have been underwater on their mortgages, and out of work. Did any one of them ever take a food stamp? Not on your life. Real American don’t like welfare. They’d rather work if they can get a job. And not for some minimum so-called wage, either. What’s that all about? Minimum wage is what they pay communists in France. Not what Americans make. And if the companies can make more money somewhere else paying somebody else less for your job, then Americans are glad to hear it. Who wouldn’t be? Companies should make all the money they can. American companies, at least. They may have different ideas in France, while they’re poking their dick in some other guy’s butt.
If their job goes somewhere else for the good of the company, Americans would rather not eat than take welfare or cash in food stamps. Even if they had to watch their kids starve to death. That’s America as apple pie! See, even if you don’t have enough money to buy an apple, in America, you can always think about apple pie. Who doesn’t love apple pie? Except the socialists in France they pay their minimum so-called wage to. While they all take vacations and the women don’t shave their legs or their underarms, but the men do. Just to flip the bird to God.
A good American is thinking about apple pie, and that fills his belly. Knowing that God loves apple pie, too. And also knowing that the people who run their old company they used to work for may be able to buy a decent getaway home so they can take a break from the strains and stresses of their everyday home and working so hard are returning five or maybe even ten cents extra per share for each and every shareholder out there. That’s a lot of weight for anyone to have to prop up.
Americans are generous people. If a CEO somewhere is tired of asking his wife to redecorate the same 15 or 20 rooms at their house out in Connecticut, an American is happy to skip a meal or two, or a doctor visit for one of his kids, so’s an executive who’s had a rough week can take his wife out to Aspen and show her a whole new chalet that needs to be filled up with accessories and cigar chairs she’ll have all the funding she needs in order to acquire. This is the American way. Them with the least will proudly sacrifice everything they have in order to help them with no wants or needs at all. It’s part of God’s blessing on this great nation of Christ.
As far as God giving Americans a chance not to go to hell because of being born, he had the most ingenious solution to that little problem. “For God did so love America that he killed his only begotten son unless you count Adam and so on so that he who didn’t think about it but had faith that all of this made sense as far as morality and what a divine God of love would do to his son would not have to spend all the rest of eternity in hell after they died like those who didn’t believe it would still have to do.” John 3:16.
This is what God did for America. And Jesus was glad to have done to him. When they nailed him up there on the cross and poked holes in him over and over again it was the most generous gift God ever give. We remain humbly grateful for God’s blessings on America. First Jesus died and everyone with freedom was saved, then God cut all the taxes so no one would have to pay for wars or anything at all, and he gave the weak and powerless the chance to prove their love for God and Jesus and the only ghost by shedding all their possessions and earthly desires and communist terrorist-type corruptions as shelter and food so they could live as holy providers for them with more.
Jesus smiled when he saw this. By then he was in heaven and all his scars had healed up, and he wore a white flowing robe like God. His hair and beard was brown and God’s was white because God was older. They both wore sandals. Jesus’s eyes were blue. On each of their robes they wore a American flag pin. For America was a nation of God, not laws, and anybody who agreed with God would go to heaven, not jail in this life nor hell in the afterlife.
God and Jesus watched over all Americans from the cloud they lived on. And every time an American donated his last cent to someone who had more and wanted not, a new star was born in the heavens.
How else could Americans not go to hell? But the French all went to hell after they died, and before that, they lived in France. That’s why if you ever look at what it says on that tablet the Statue of Liberty holds in her left hand, it says in great big letters, “THIS IS AMERICA!!! NO FRENCH ALLOWED!!!!!”
God blessed America. And he still does, every single day. For the Bible tells me so!
