by Ellis Dean (January, 1991)
Environmental scientists at the Sununu Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT) yesterday announced a solution to so-called “global warming,” which allegedly results from depletion of the ozone layer above the Earth.
“Although we do not accept the premise that the world is heating up, we have devised a simple remedy utilizing existing technology,” said Francis R. “Buzz” Ostrich, spokesman for SHIT.
“Ironically, we discovered the solution to global warming by applying the principles of another idea we hold to be invalid — the ‘nuclear winter’ theory,” said Ostrich.
The exhaustive two-hour SHIT study concludes that the detonation of several hundred thermonuclear warheads might in fact lift enough radioactive dust into the atmosphere to darken the sun and plunge the world into a period of cold and darkness lasting 10, 20, perhaps even 30 years.
“The length of ‘nuclear winter’ would depend on a number of factors,” said Ostrich. “Certainly the promiscuous use of fossil fuels, aerosol sprays and Styrofoam would be encouraged. ‘Spring,’ for want of a better word, would be of equally indefinite duration…30 to 40 years on the optimistic side. The ‘global warming’ that eventually follows would become just another season.”
Ostrich anticipates the inevitable objections of “do-gooders whining because autumn would only last a couple of days. But then, you’ve always got a few malcontents who say the glass is half-empty,” he said.
The president is preparing to submit the SHIT proposals, and congressional leaders have stated their intention to approve the plan “sight unseen.”
