As told by Ellis Dean
God sat down hard on the couch and cracked open an O’Doul’s. He rolled the cold bottle against His swollen cheek, where an impacted wisdom tooth had been troubling Him for weeks. I had gently suggested that He go see a dentist, but He looked at me like I’d just voted for a Democrat. “I hate dentists!” He bellowed, then winced from the unnecessary strain on His jaw. “Have you got an aspirin?”
I grabbed a bottle from the hall closet. “Tincture of clove works pretty well, too,” I said, handing Him the bottle. He’d already turned on the NFL on Fox pre-game show, and I could tell He intended to watch every play of the Cowboys game. He snatched the bottle and said, “I’ll try it if this aspirin doesn’t work.” Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long were exchanging verbal towel snaps as I casually palmed the remote, which was sitting on the couch between us.
I lowered the volume as God placed an aspirin on His back tooth. “I bet that’ll help by kickoff!” I said, trying to distract Him.
“What’s the shpread?” He asked, with two fingers in His mouth.
“I think they’ve got the Eagles by three.”
“McNabb tweaked hizh knee in pracish on Thursday. Nobody knozh that. Put fifty on the Cowboizh.”
I glanced at my watch. Fifteen minutes to game time. “OK, but there’s something I need to talk to you about first.”
“I’m good for the fifty!” He snapped.
“No, that’s not it, Sir. I’ve got a big prayer to lead, and I wanted to get your advice.”
He took a pull on the O’Doul’s and reached for a handful of Frito’s, then remembered His sore tooth and dropped the chips back in the bowl. “You give prayers all the time, Rick. Can I have the remote back?”
“This one is different. It’s actually an invocation. For Barack Obama’s inauguration.”
Despite His focus on the pre-game analysis, He shifted His body away from the TV screen and turned to face me. “Barack Obama is a liberal, Rick,” He said, as if I’d forgotten the books of the Bible.
“I know, but he invited me to do this because he realizes that none of the true Americans voted for him, and that everybody who did vote for him will go to hell, including all the gays, abortionists, scientists, and liberals who live in America but aren’t really Americans.”
“Well, just say that in your invocation. Amen. Done.”
“I need to stretch it out a little bit, Sir. Maybe give it a little bit of a touchy-feely spin.”
“I swear to Me, Rick…every time you start to get soft on Me, it makes Me want to wipe out a city that leans left.”
“Maybe I can just remind everyone that You’re the God of love, and that it’s not too late for all the liberals to renounce their free will and go to Heaven when they die. And that if they don’t, American will be visited by war, corruption, economic collapse, and moral decay on all levels of society.”
For a moment, we both stared in silence at Jimmy Johnson’s hair. “Maybe I should leave that part out,” I said.
“Tell it to ‘em straight,” said God. “Tell ‘em I hate queers and tree huggers and people who get all high and mighty about Constitutional rights. Tell ‘em I own enough guns to conquer Afghanistan, I voted for John McCain, I think Dick Cheney was the greatest president America ever had. I wear white briefs because anything else is faggy. I don’t eat sushi because fruitcakes eat sushi. I’m a Budweiser, Marlboro, and Ford man, and I would give My right nut to have sex with Kellie Pickler. Remind ‘em that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein, that he went to school at Hah-vud, and that if I had wanted people to think, I would have given them brains. And tell ‘em I said that the Cowboys will kick anybody’s ass in the Super Bowl because Jerry Jones is the best owner in football. Amen. And seriously, Rick – hand Me the remote.”
When He gets that tone, I know the deologue is over. I gave him the remote and stood up. “You’ve still got five minutes to call in that bet,” He said. “While you’re up, I’ll take another O’Doul’s.”
“You got it,” I said. “You ready for some bean dip?”
“Yeah, that aspirin is kicking in. Hey, who’s on the Sunday night game?” He asked, pulling a Tony Romo jersey on over his long white hair and beard. Sure, he had his game face on. But He still took time to give me the help I needed. I thank Him for reminding me that America is a conservative, heterosexual, Caucasian country, and that no gay-loving liberal of color is gonna change that. God is truly great. I love that Guy.
Postscript: Philadelphia beat Dallas 44-6, knocking the Cowboys out of the playoffs.